TIME TO KILL?-outside the world, inside my mind

Have you ever felt trapped in your own mind - confused on what u want to do and what u need to do - its been five months for me being single - i love the flirtatious part of it and having options but i dont like the females that come with it -someone once told me you have to adapt your ways for certain people because not everybody will respect you for the way you are -very true -unfortunately . I do miss my ex- i think its a natural feeling - or maybe its the being in a relationship part i miss. cant seem to run into an attractive guy who wants to take me out and has his stuff together. The year is coming to an end . I in the last five months have partied alot, stop going to church , and just have been visiting in another world . I say visiting because its fun, but no true happiness comes with it. A friend of mine tells me oh so often to go M.I.A maybe i should . I'm 20 and have manage to be baby free and jail free, and avoiding any major set backs- i should definitely take advantage - I look at my life and where i want to be and where i could be . The break up caused me to fall behind in school putting me on academic probation and a low gpa average-its discouraging but motivating because nothing is holding me back going into the new semester. I want my fashion to go big and go to a university that will help me develop my skills for what i want to do in life.I dont regret not going to church lately because i felt like i needed to figure out who i am without being forced to do something or forced to go to church period. i dont want to be worse off than i was in my last relationship , i want to be better off.. i hate making decisions and life is full of them.its hard to walk away from things and not turn back but im learning its just part of moving forward in life. Things happen for a reason- i want to go into the new year beyond the point im at now. im not old but i feel old . i feel like its time to settle down- not necessarily marriage but with life.  the things i want for myself are not in the things im getting into now - but thats where i come into conflict. sometimes the things i find myself wanting are apart of where im at now , but its not what i need- we only have one life to live so cant choose both routes. i feel as if i can be stronger than what i give myself credit for . i can make decisions - and the right ones without asking everybody, i can do better than what i am doing.sin is only for a season . i want a good guy and when the time is right ,i need a man who will take me out and treat me like Gold and literally be my help mate - we help each other , where he is weak , im strong and vice versa, somebody who i can take care of and we have the same goals far as a family goes - and he supports what i want to do and i support him . I want to work in marketing and have my own fashion line - be a stylish business woman- young but sucessful. i just want peace and success. age is nothing but a number . people say all the time you are young and you need to grow a lil and live a lil- thats the world's method not mine. i just need to keep being me- if u are blessed with wisdom and intelligence and talent at a young age then fly with it . tomorrow is not promised- the world cant offer you anything more satisfying than what you already have.do we really have time to waste or time to kill-maybe in the moment but the big picture -in the end whatever it is ,its not usually worth it.

SEX IN THE CITY -the ecstasy of society

SEX SEX and more sex - isnt that what today's American society is about all about - sex once upon time in history use to be taken more seriously - but even in the christian religion it tends to look at sex only for husband and wife - 65% of the population is probably christian but I'm sure 65% of the American society isn't married. so what does that say right there? premarital sex has been going on for years - a lifetime - but today it is more common for junior high and up .oh so young . In junior high I was planning to wait until I was married to have sex but that is before I got my first real boyfriend - alot of things in life are easier said than done- I have yet to have sex at twenty years old and that is an accomplishment In this day in age. One constantly battles to be them self in a world that is about something different from what u want for yourself. it is like fashion trends if everybody is wearing skinny jeans - least likely will u see someone as myself still sporting bell bottoms lol- and bell bottoms only - whatever goes on in society is going to spread -one has decide for them self if they want to be a part of a fad or  to be different - its a lot of pressure to walk away from something or say no to something that is constantly being exposed in every commercial , tv show, celebrity ,and etc. In my church they fail to talk about the topic in depth which i think is really stupid but moving on - but if sex is something that we are constantly being exposed to, and being exposed to more of the good of it than the consequences -it makes it even harder to say no and hold off from . this is a topic i feel very strongly about - i think that its sad when the church fails to discuss it realistically - lets be real, most teenagers and children dont go to church willingly - and a child who is not there by choice and thar is told that sex is for married people and its a sin to do it outside of marriage.Children are rebellious and quite frankly if they choose to hold out from sex that will be the line they repeatedly say "because it is a sin." smh - that will only hold for so long especially if they dont have a relationship with God like that or that in tuned with  the church . I think in religion they are so quick to tell the rules and the main objective should be to develop a relationship with Christ and then lay down the rules - rules usually overlooked for anything you dont know much about or have not developed a relationship with or some form of attachment too. i think sex should be talked about in a genuine form - its good to have when you are in steady relationship - the older you get the more of a challenge you will have to control your hormones , sex is less complicated majority of time when held for marriage. Most of what i know about sex came from my peers in high school. what brought me to discuss this topic was a friend - we were having a discussion that upset me - mind you i am 20 years old and i was in a four year relationship - why are ppl still telling to wait until im married to have sex because they have had a bad experience within a few months-hmmm-that is annoying - i dont know it all about relationships - but I'm out of my teenage years and I'm old enough to understand consequences and I have self control -thats all Im saying so can one please save the "dont do its" for somebody younger and who maybe hasnt entered a long term relationship- everybody is going to have different experiences or a different experience from sex- just because all the ppl you have talked to have had bad experiences, dont mean it will work out that way for you - different variables lead to different results. im not being naive my friend im just being real.alot of this sex talk ties more into religion - i will save that for another blog - sex is something i think if its going to be casual should be taken with extreme caution -i  personally believe alot of kids are being brought up as if they are mistakes and that not a good thing because they are the future - i really just wish sex wasnt so casual period . it doesnt seem to give a relationship much to look forward to .  i think it should if anything be meant for to people who want to continue to be together in the future - it may not happen that way but they on the same level as feelings go about each other . alot of women and girls -smh -come to be like a one way stop- that is why im big on valuing oneself as an individual- dont give and expect to recieve- - but dont sleep with a man thinking you gonna be his woman , or the sex had him hypnotized, or you have him on lock , or that he will be back -one thing my mama taught me is everything aint about feelings - men are not emotional like women - they are simple creatures and were made to want sex - and that is what it is - sex is sex for them - to be in love is probably more of a bonus. . some may want the sex+love at one time ,others may just want the sex..one must treat oneself as they would want somebody else to treat them , dont expect anything but have standards for oneself - value yourself to where everyone is not getting a chance to throw coins in your well , or being able to check in the hotel without charge .

china doll

Ok so im overdue for a blog - this one is gonna be a little more personal - a friend of mine says i only talk about love - my response is yea so - its something im recently learning about and healing from -something still Fresh for me . I dont think im ready to touch on my critical opinions of society -or am i???hmmm- so many to pick from - females and guys -its still a lil love related but oh well- i believe there is something in a female that desires to nurture and be nutured(many who are not men haters or stubborn may agree with this ) . For some reason when a woman finds that one man who she is feelin- and has envisioned being romantically involved- (which we do from the jump)she fails to notice she is losing some of her sanity . He is still being him -and she is -on the inside- smitten hard. I see alot today of girls compromising themselves for guys - and you look at the guy -they are... ???? still chilling and posted on the wall.Women, females , i hate to say it but sometimes we are Extra , hell alot of times we are extra. We are willing to jump stupid over a guy who we are not even commited to most times , we are willing to dress a certain way jsut to get their attention , willing to be their"Do girl " jsut so they can be happy -but in the mist of all we are losing and compromising our happiness for one individual. I have had two experiences lately when two girls have wanted to fight me over a guy - I'm not about drama-NO NO-i take the blame partially for this though because i give my number in places I should know better - at least i know better when im sober ,cause after the fact i fail to entertain these guys,but its not uncommon to see this with females- especially ones who are not even in  a relationship with the guy they are fighting over . Tip to all women -if he is not legally your man -and if he is even a "man" - save the strife - would he do the same for you ???nothing to knock men - but we do to much extra for guys - they see this , know this - and what an EGO boost - my motto has always been dont put in more than what you are recieving - this really applies for the daters and ones who have not reached the over a year mark . But i think as women our desire to be wanted and needed tends to cause us to do a lot of compromising . I just look around today and think its really sad - i think alot of this falls under teen pregnancy ,and premarital sex period. Women want attention- i can speak on that fully - it took time for me to get where im at now - im still insecure in ways but i have come far - back in middle school -oh my - i was a clueless girl -thick bushy hair ,glasses and wanted to dress to keep up with everybody else- sixth grade year i chipped my two front teeth ( mind you i had sucked my fingers for years and it had failed to mess up my teeth ) and that summer i lost my thick long hair - it broke off from an incident with some braids i had -my hair and teeth! my self esteem went whmp whmp- i tried to dress a certain way for what i lacked , tight jeans ,tight shirts, i would accept attention from any being with a penis , i let them touch me and just make comments about me -so i could feel good about myself -im still a lil insecure about my teeth today, i fail to smile in pictures - my hair looks healthy -hasnt gotten quite where i want it to be but it is longer and thick - i changed my attitude back in 10th grade about myself -i had my first boyfriend and first kiss junior year - and throughout that relationship something happened to my self esteem - i had gained weight and i begin to feel insecure again - could it be the fact i wasnt sure if he wanted me considering he had dumped me three times -i dont know - but im 20 years old now and single - relationships are for people who want to get serious - there are people out there who just want to mess around so no one should feel obligated to get in a relationship just for a certain reason - that is the truth and the world we live in - dont settle or compromise - truth be said if you value yourself - give yourself a respectful image -someone else will too . Society can rub on a person truly( so many compromising religous people) -we all want acceptance, from the music we listen to , the way we dress, our hair , how often do these trends originate from our own minds before we see it on someone else ?- as for women ,girls, females - value yourself - nobody is worth your self respect - the more you consider yourself gold so will everybody else - now there is a difference between self respect and arrogance. but be a china doll- one who looks good but not everybody gets a chance to have because you too expensive. In the long run its the biggest treat one can do for them self .

forget them -do me -Im my top priority

An epiphany can be described as a moment of self-realization or discovery that enlightens or reveals the person’s character. ...........life is a journey, some of us are blessed with long journeys , and through those journeys we find treasures sometimes they are physical treasures and others are treasures of wisdom. Life's lessons , the ones we learn from are how we gain  wisdom- a treasure that  will help you get through life. It is true what they- sometimes in life if we just sit still the answer is usually right in front of us  and the best way to deal with things is just to face them . Break ups are hard, letting people go in general is hard. We get so use to them being around or just knowing they are there.In my recent time I lost my first love and cut off ALOT of friends. Though things dont always happen by choice its still hard and "why"  should be the word to avoid whenever going through change - it wont always be something we understand . I 'm not one who does well  with change- it took me back - i wanted to find who i am without these people-acting outside my norm - hear i am putting up this exterior to block off pain and reality of what i need to face . im going here and there  saying this and that- having fun in the process but not fulfilling fun -is this me , where am i - was i myself with them or am i  myself now ?hmmmm- how can one person analyze them self so much i ask ?It sounds cliche to say "people are put in your life for a season "- i was never fond of that expression -i think we allow people in our lives , they aren't necessarily "put there"-it sounds as if they fell out the sky or popped out of no where- i believe we all have an idea in mind of the type of person we want to be , the things we want to do in life , but then alot of us encounter self battles and making choices of right from wrong - society has its standards along with the church - by the looks of things today society often wins-at one point in time, even recently you can say acceptance has always been something to me - i never went off the limb but i put myself in many compromising situations - to avoid the pain i felt internally, rejection, and reality. Step one to being a successful and content individual is to  be 100% comfortable being you and the things you do and stand for  -my motivation now is growth for a better me - learn to love yourself more , the more respect you gain from others , rejection probably wont phase you as bad or maybe not at all or as often , loving yourself more will show how much the person who falls in love with you loves you . People put themselves in situations where they are at struggle in some form- alot  of times things happen out of our control but alot of things can be prevented within our control as well.it doesnt hurt as much to be alone or without as many friends -its giving me time to do what  i need to for me,to live for me outside of what everyone else expects or wants,  to prepare for better people and better opportunities .the bitter taste is finally leaving my mouth. True friends in life and a true love will treat you how you deserve to be treated, u cant trust everybody, you cant let everybody in or keep letting them back in (even if intentions seem good) , the ones who give you time and are there through the toughest will last for the longest -no things are not gonna always be peaches and creme - but they shouldnt be hell most of the time either - dont settle - you only have one life to live- get  fulfillment out of life on your terms -if not the first time around maybe the 2nd ,3rd,till you are fulfillled. dont let things around you or things you are going through mold you - but create yourself .

First step take a deep breath you dont need a reason why
You can take time, you can walk, run, dive
Close call you think you might fall but all you have to do is try
Even angels even angels learn to fly(fantasia)
- there is no rush in creating you , no pressure in being you -only everlasting fulfillment when you remain loyal to yourself

its only the first chapter

relationships are an investment -and you never know what the reward will be in return or if you will even get one . Four years i invested into someone - they broke up with me three times - we even got to the point of marriage -people say im too young -love is one thing you cant put an age limit on -marriage ??varies from person to person . I dont really know how to feel about him after all this - is there really a right or wrong way ?would it make a difference if i knew the real reason why ? if i only one reason instead of twelve different ones- people can look at your situation from the outside and easily say it will be ok, sit back and think day in and day out with one person - who you share your heart, your pain, your secrets, your smile ,your tears,and your laughter with ,and they leave you over .....???who really knows .I'm not gonna lie i try to look forward most days but when i look back it hurts all over again. You feel like you lost your dignity but in a way you gain -what am i worth i have to ask myself- he wasnt a bad guy - but he wasnt ready either . he thought he knew ,but he had no idea,he had no mind of his own -he doesnt even realize when he is weak or where he is weak - i miss being in love , i miss the passion that came with it , the deep conversations , the chemistry , the relaxation of being with another person , but im scared to fall in love again, i dont trust to let my heart go again - i want to guard it with my life -no physical pain can match up to the pain of the a broken heart.i look forward to a new guy , a better me , a stronger me ,a me without you -but in due time. my first love my first love lesson.some people can handle being friends with an ex - but i think that is a bull on the behalf of the dumper - to have their cake and eat it too- that is asking alot - when one person didnt want to let go ,they still want the relationship and all of you but all one is only offering is friendship - i guess better something than nothing at all-Wrong - that is settling - and even for myself -if someone loves you they will let you go, why sit around why they move on or figure out their confusion - dont be apart of the BS going on these days-everybody wanting to explore -they are leaving the one they love for the world they like -and in due time karma is in the works .in due time the dumpee is realizing their worth -love makes you want to hold on and tag along -love can also make you look like a fool. i fought -constant emails and questions but always a diss or different answer-nothing is wrong with me -he just didnt really want me -he never did-somethings in life you have to come to terms with and thats one i have- he loved me but didnt want me -smh -sounds crazy but thats a tale of life. everyday is a new day , its own ,and a fresh start -the good thing about memories is they fade while love can die .

the book

(figuring out this blog stuff is kinda complicated -im in need of a vent ) Everyone has a different story-their story is what makes them unique.People often look at me as if i have a made life.Perfect family, money , church going girl -HA!-that is all I will say to that .One thing I do not like to do with people is compare life stories - just to see whos is worse-the thing with that-God ( yes who i believe in )placed us where we are now. Whatever we are going through in life as individuals - you we are alive and stand still standing -so therefore we are handling it. I know i havent been through the worse of the worse ,but im able to handle what comes my way obviously . That is the way to look at it- if you are still standing - then you are gonna get through. Life throws a lot of curves and from having the experience of being in love -u kinda have to learn to trust your gut-but then again when you go through things that may hit you hard -its another one of life's lessons.I was in a relationship and when he wanted to get back with me I had a gut feeling telling me to wait and give it more time but there is this other feeling called attachment- you kinda want to hold on to what you got while its still there - i didnt go with my gut and i end up falling deep head over heels even more than before the break up-it was bliss- then it was a drought-then it was dead-all in a blink of an eye- i look back and say to myself if only i would've went with my gut -something was telling me not to - life is full of those types of incidents- you really cant dwell, i really cant dwell- . Its now part of my story . If i hadnt gone through that , i wouldnt be blogging, i wouldnt have the friends i have now ,i wouldnt have progressed into who i am now .Pull the positive out of every negative -its always at least one thing there.Some days i feel like i move to fast for life .I go about keeping myself busy to avoid the pain of this heartbreak , the realization of whats going on -its not a bad thing ,some type of therapy has to take place . Im anxious for more good to come my way though -then again checking myself-this is how i got where im at now-not waiting . I believe if most people slow down and actually look around or just enjoy what they have in the present -some of life's curve balls can be dodged.Its like they say though ,you live and you learn ,sometimes learning comes the hard way. What is life without lessons ,what's a book without a story.My story is what makes me "me."

shaking my head: Love lesson

shaking my head: Love lesson: "the weather in MS is just as fickle as love these days -one they its hot , next its cold , one week its dry ,next its warm, one week the g..."

Love lesson

the weather in MS is just as fickle as love these days -one they its hot , next its cold , one week its dry ,next its warm, one week the grass is growing and the leaves still green - now they are falling and brown on the ground -love is no longer blossoming -ppl are no longer posting love songs but heartbreak statuses - it is the season of death -of relationships ( scary huh)-I have had the priveledge of talking to numerous ppl this week . they have shared stories with me and not one but all were recent heart break stories .People not being ready for relationships or people not valuing what they have . Each generation gets worse and worse ,making it harder to find gold . Why dont guys value good when they have it? why dont girls stop looking for these thugs and dudes who dont want much for themselves or out of life . I just dont understand what go through ppl heads - Life is not promised -nor is it long - so why the hell are people -im not ready to do this now ,i need to see what else is out there ,- do we really have time for all this guinea pigging - so what im getting is you walking away from good for curiousity - mainly hoes - that are easy cause you scared of the real stuff. Love is beautiful, it feels good (not sex but love ), when you are able to enjoy that others company ,laugh, cry ,and be mad, but still have this warm feeling and consistent feeling about this person - its good stuff.people should cherish it cause it dont come around often

shaking my head: My first ever blog,YAY! I am twenty years old and ...

shaking my head: My first ever blog,YAY! I am twenty years old and ...: "My first ever blog,YAY! I am twenty years old and my name is Zoe( pronunciation zo-way) of course , just got out of a long term relationship..."

My first ever blog,YAY! I am twenty years old and my name is Zoe( pronunciation zo-way) of course , just got out of a long term relationship, just coming out my shell, just now realizing I do have the freedom of speech. . THrough blogging my goal is just to voice my opinion , say whats on my mind , at the same time I will be  discovering who i truly am !