TIME TO KILL?-outside the world, inside my mind

Have you ever felt trapped in your own mind - confused on what u want to do and what u need to do - its been five months for me being single - i love the flirtatious part of it and having options but i dont like the females that come with it -someone once told me you have to adapt your ways for certain people because not everybody will respect you for the way you are -very true -unfortunately . I do miss my ex- i think its a natural feeling - or maybe its the being in a relationship part i miss. cant seem to run into an attractive guy who wants to take me out and has his stuff together. The year is coming to an end . I in the last five months have partied alot, stop going to church , and just have been visiting in another world . I say visiting because its fun, but no true happiness comes with it. A friend of mine tells me oh so often to go M.I.A maybe i should . I'm 20 and have manage to be baby free and jail free, and avoiding any major set backs- i should definitely take advantage - I look at my life and where i want to be and where i could be . The break up caused me to fall behind in school putting me on academic probation and a low gpa average-its discouraging but motivating because nothing is holding me back going into the new semester. I want my fashion to go big and go to a university that will help me develop my skills for what i want to do in life.I dont regret not going to church lately because i felt like i needed to figure out who i am without being forced to do something or forced to go to church period. i dont want to be worse off than i was in my last relationship , i want to be better off.. i hate making decisions and life is full of them.its hard to walk away from things and not turn back but im learning its just part of moving forward in life. Things happen for a reason- i want to go into the new year beyond the point im at now. im not old but i feel old . i feel like its time to settle down- not necessarily marriage but with life.  the things i want for myself are not in the things im getting into now - but thats where i come into conflict. sometimes the things i find myself wanting are apart of where im at now , but its not what i need- we only have one life to live so cant choose both routes. i feel as if i can be stronger than what i give myself credit for . i can make decisions - and the right ones without asking everybody, i can do better than what i am doing.sin is only for a season . i want a good guy and when the time is right ,i need a man who will take me out and treat me like Gold and literally be my help mate - we help each other , where he is weak , im strong and vice versa, somebody who i can take care of and we have the same goals far as a family goes - and he supports what i want to do and i support him . I want to work in marketing and have my own fashion line - be a stylish business woman- young but sucessful. i just want peace and success. age is nothing but a number . people say all the time you are young and you need to grow a lil and live a lil- thats the world's method not mine. i just need to keep being me- if u are blessed with wisdom and intelligence and talent at a young age then fly with it . tomorrow is not promised- the world cant offer you anything more satisfying than what you already have.do we really have time to waste or time to kill-maybe in the moment but the big picture -in the end whatever it is ,its not usually worth it.