TIME TO KILL?-outside the world, inside my mind

Have you ever felt trapped in your own mind - confused on what u want to do and what u need to do - its been five months for me being single - i love the flirtatious part of it and having options but i dont like the females that come with it -someone once told me you have to adapt your ways for certain people because not everybody will respect you for the way you are -very true -unfortunately . I do miss my ex- i think its a natural feeling - or maybe its the being in a relationship part i miss. cant seem to run into an attractive guy who wants to take me out and has his stuff together. The year is coming to an end . I in the last five months have partied alot, stop going to church , and just have been visiting in another world . I say visiting because its fun, but no true happiness comes with it. A friend of mine tells me oh so often to go M.I.A maybe i should . I'm 20 and have manage to be baby free and jail free, and avoiding any major set backs- i should definitely take advantage - I look at my life and where i want to be and where i could be . The break up caused me to fall behind in school putting me on academic probation and a low gpa average-its discouraging but motivating because nothing is holding me back going into the new semester. I want my fashion to go big and go to a university that will help me develop my skills for what i want to do in life.I dont regret not going to church lately because i felt like i needed to figure out who i am without being forced to do something or forced to go to church period. i dont want to be worse off than i was in my last relationship , i want to be better off.. i hate making decisions and life is full of them.its hard to walk away from things and not turn back but im learning its just part of moving forward in life. Things happen for a reason- i want to go into the new year beyond the point im at now. im not old but i feel old . i feel like its time to settle down- not necessarily marriage but with life.  the things i want for myself are not in the things im getting into now - but thats where i come into conflict. sometimes the things i find myself wanting are apart of where im at now , but its not what i need- we only have one life to live so cant choose both routes. i feel as if i can be stronger than what i give myself credit for . i can make decisions - and the right ones without asking everybody, i can do better than what i am doing.sin is only for a season . i want a good guy and when the time is right ,i need a man who will take me out and treat me like Gold and literally be my help mate - we help each other , where he is weak , im strong and vice versa, somebody who i can take care of and we have the same goals far as a family goes - and he supports what i want to do and i support him . I want to work in marketing and have my own fashion line - be a stylish business woman- young but sucessful. i just want peace and success. age is nothing but a number . people say all the time you are young and you need to grow a lil and live a lil- thats the world's method not mine. i just need to keep being me- if u are blessed with wisdom and intelligence and talent at a young age then fly with it . tomorrow is not promised- the world cant offer you anything more satisfying than what you already have.do we really have time to waste or time to kill-maybe in the moment but the big picture -in the end whatever it is ,its not usually worth it.

SEX IN THE CITY -the ecstasy of society

SEX SEX and more sex - isnt that what today's American society is about all about - sex once upon time in history use to be taken more seriously - but even in the christian religion it tends to look at sex only for husband and wife - 65% of the population is probably christian but I'm sure 65% of the American society isn't married. so what does that say right there? premarital sex has been going on for years - a lifetime - but today it is more common for junior high and up .oh so young . In junior high I was planning to wait until I was married to have sex but that is before I got my first real boyfriend - alot of things in life are easier said than done- I have yet to have sex at twenty years old and that is an accomplishment In this day in age. One constantly battles to be them self in a world that is about something different from what u want for yourself. it is like fashion trends if everybody is wearing skinny jeans - least likely will u see someone as myself still sporting bell bottoms lol- and bell bottoms only - whatever goes on in society is going to spread -one has decide for them self if they want to be a part of a fad or  to be different - its a lot of pressure to walk away from something or say no to something that is constantly being exposed in every commercial , tv show, celebrity ,and etc. In my church they fail to talk about the topic in depth which i think is really stupid but moving on - but if sex is something that we are constantly being exposed to, and being exposed to more of the good of it than the consequences -it makes it even harder to say no and hold off from . this is a topic i feel very strongly about - i think that its sad when the church fails to discuss it realistically - lets be real, most teenagers and children dont go to church willingly - and a child who is not there by choice and thar is told that sex is for married people and its a sin to do it outside of marriage.Children are rebellious and quite frankly if they choose to hold out from sex that will be the line they repeatedly say "because it is a sin." smh - that will only hold for so long especially if they dont have a relationship with God like that or that in tuned with  the church . I think in religion they are so quick to tell the rules and the main objective should be to develop a relationship with Christ and then lay down the rules - rules usually overlooked for anything you dont know much about or have not developed a relationship with or some form of attachment too. i think sex should be talked about in a genuine form - its good to have when you are in steady relationship - the older you get the more of a challenge you will have to control your hormones , sex is less complicated majority of time when held for marriage. Most of what i know about sex came from my peers in high school. what brought me to discuss this topic was a friend - we were having a discussion that upset me - mind you i am 20 years old and i was in a four year relationship - why are ppl still telling to wait until im married to have sex because they have had a bad experience within a few months-hmmm-that is annoying - i dont know it all about relationships - but I'm out of my teenage years and I'm old enough to understand consequences and I have self control -thats all Im saying so can one please save the "dont do its" for somebody younger and who maybe hasnt entered a long term relationship- everybody is going to have different experiences or a different experience from sex- just because all the ppl you have talked to have had bad experiences, dont mean it will work out that way for you - different variables lead to different results. im not being naive my friend im just being real.alot of this sex talk ties more into religion - i will save that for another blog - sex is something i think if its going to be casual should be taken with extreme caution -i  personally believe alot of kids are being brought up as if they are mistakes and that not a good thing because they are the future - i really just wish sex wasnt so casual period . it doesnt seem to give a relationship much to look forward to .  i think it should if anything be meant for to people who want to continue to be together in the future - it may not happen that way but they on the same level as feelings go about each other . alot of women and girls -smh -come to be like a one way stop- that is why im big on valuing oneself as an individual- dont give and expect to recieve- - but dont sleep with a man thinking you gonna be his woman , or the sex had him hypnotized, or you have him on lock , or that he will be back -one thing my mama taught me is everything aint about feelings - men are not emotional like women - they are simple creatures and were made to want sex - and that is what it is - sex is sex for them - to be in love is probably more of a bonus. . some may want the sex+love at one time ,others may just want the sex..one must treat oneself as they would want somebody else to treat them , dont expect anything but have standards for oneself - value yourself to where everyone is not getting a chance to throw coins in your well , or being able to check in the hotel without charge .

china doll

Ok so im overdue for a blog - this one is gonna be a little more personal - a friend of mine says i only talk about love - my response is yea so - its something im recently learning about and healing from -something still Fresh for me . I dont think im ready to touch on my critical opinions of society -or am i???hmmm- so many to pick from - females and guys -its still a lil love related but oh well- i believe there is something in a female that desires to nurture and be nutured(many who are not men haters or stubborn may agree with this ) . For some reason when a woman finds that one man who she is feelin- and has envisioned being romantically involved- (which we do from the jump)she fails to notice she is losing some of her sanity . He is still being him -and she is -on the inside- smitten hard. I see alot today of girls compromising themselves for guys - and you look at the guy -they are... ???? still chilling and posted on the wall.Women, females , i hate to say it but sometimes we are Extra , hell alot of times we are extra. We are willing to jump stupid over a guy who we are not even commited to most times , we are willing to dress a certain way jsut to get their attention , willing to be their"Do girl " jsut so they can be happy -but in the mist of all we are losing and compromising our happiness for one individual. I have had two experiences lately when two girls have wanted to fight me over a guy - I'm not about drama-NO NO-i take the blame partially for this though because i give my number in places I should know better - at least i know better when im sober ,cause after the fact i fail to entertain these guys,but its not uncommon to see this with females- especially ones who are not even in  a relationship with the guy they are fighting over . Tip to all women -if he is not legally your man -and if he is even a "man" - save the strife - would he do the same for you ???nothing to knock men - but we do to much extra for guys - they see this , know this - and what an EGO boost - my motto has always been dont put in more than what you are recieving - this really applies for the daters and ones who have not reached the over a year mark . But i think as women our desire to be wanted and needed tends to cause us to do a lot of compromising . I just look around today and think its really sad - i think alot of this falls under teen pregnancy ,and premarital sex period. Women want attention- i can speak on that fully - it took time for me to get where im at now - im still insecure in ways but i have come far - back in middle school -oh my - i was a clueless girl -thick bushy hair ,glasses and wanted to dress to keep up with everybody else- sixth grade year i chipped my two front teeth ( mind you i had sucked my fingers for years and it had failed to mess up my teeth ) and that summer i lost my thick long hair - it broke off from an incident with some braids i had -my hair and teeth! my self esteem went whmp whmp- i tried to dress a certain way for what i lacked , tight jeans ,tight shirts, i would accept attention from any being with a penis , i let them touch me and just make comments about me -so i could feel good about myself -im still a lil insecure about my teeth today, i fail to smile in pictures - my hair looks healthy -hasnt gotten quite where i want it to be but it is longer and thick - i changed my attitude back in 10th grade about myself -i had my first boyfriend and first kiss junior year - and throughout that relationship something happened to my self esteem - i had gained weight and i begin to feel insecure again - could it be the fact i wasnt sure if he wanted me considering he had dumped me three times -i dont know - but im 20 years old now and single - relationships are for people who want to get serious - there are people out there who just want to mess around so no one should feel obligated to get in a relationship just for a certain reason - that is the truth and the world we live in - dont settle or compromise - truth be said if you value yourself - give yourself a respectful image -someone else will too . Society can rub on a person truly( so many compromising religous people) -we all want acceptance, from the music we listen to , the way we dress, our hair , how often do these trends originate from our own minds before we see it on someone else ?- as for women ,girls, females - value yourself - nobody is worth your self respect - the more you consider yourself gold so will everybody else - now there is a difference between self respect and arrogance. but be a china doll- one who looks good but not everybody gets a chance to have because you too expensive. In the long run its the biggest treat one can do for them self .